Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
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ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.