I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
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I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.