“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
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Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Oh, I bet you would be
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.