What fresh Hell is this?!?
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My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.