[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
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coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Get off my horse you stupid moon
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that