I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
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For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.