out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
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It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.