[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
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When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.