Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
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Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
hmmm
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?