Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
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Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”