me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
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I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.