what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
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A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me