The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
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If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
The morning after pill, but for tweets
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn鈥檛 press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn鈥檛 know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Him: I鈥檓 breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I love the honesty
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I鈥檓 in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you鈥檙e the one who wanted to be in construction. I should鈥檝e married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I practice law under my previous husband鈥檚 last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband鈥檚 last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn鈥檛 even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don鈥檛 even know your name!
it鈥檚 amazing when it鈥檚 ur birthday 馃檪 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He鈥檚 so kind.
ME: If we don鈥檛 have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Child: Mom! You can鈥檛 go that way, it鈥檚 a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that鈥檚 just a suggestion.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Friend: I can鈥檛 sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can鈥檛 sleep?