date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
You Might Also Like
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Why soy sad?
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.