The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
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EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion