If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
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Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Me too, bag. Me too….
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.