Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
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Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back