Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
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“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away