Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
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My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Woke up against my better judgement again
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi