What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
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Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.