Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
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I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head