ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
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God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.