Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
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HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!