[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
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Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.