I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
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[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
What the hell happened here.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.