Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
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ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
That 👊
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent