I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
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hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Hey I worked for it too!
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.