What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
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“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross