I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
You Might Also Like
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
The fall of Netflix
these two trucks have the same bed length
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers