That stupid look on my face, is my face
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Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.