WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
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Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes