I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
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People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I hope they boil the right one.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.