Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
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ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Terribly Tuesday.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
#SCOTUS one-star review