cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?