ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
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Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Jail
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet