“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
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Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated