Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
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I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Lmao
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time