Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
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[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Ron is short for Aaronald
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Botany good plants lately?
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!