Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
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… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.