Social distancing in Australia:
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My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog