The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
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I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.