Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
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Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I’d love this…lol
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife