I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
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Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.