Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
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cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”