@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
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Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.