Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
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why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Mornin
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.