Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
What?!?
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…