Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
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Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.