Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
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TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Trumpy Cat
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
How dude HOW?!
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.