me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
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went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure